The Excuse Holding You Back.

When I work, I often put a song on loop. I listen to it over, and over again. I let it sink into my bones. I listen to the words. I feel them.

As of late, I’ve been exploring truths. My own, and talking with others about theirs. My boundaries have been challenged, and I have had to set new ones and take down some previous beliefs I was holding. Hell. That I’m still working on letting go of. The line here that I love most is “maybe something’s wrong with me”. THIS. Maybe. Something. Is. Wrong. With. Me.
Don’t we all ask it? Daily? Hourly? (don’t leave me hanging out here…I know I’m not alone) Is there something wrong with me? Why haven’t I gotten married yet? Had children? Found my career? Bought a house? Met the One? Started a 401k? Retired? Why haven’t I lost the weight yet? Ran the marathon? Everyone else is doing it! Why aren’t I there? What’s WRONG with me?

Nothing baby. Nothing.

Truth. There could not be more right about you. You are the one in 7 trillion chance collision of molecules and matter and spiritual divinity and there is no right way to do YOU….because the one you are right now…is the only way. Isn’t that amazing? There CAN NOT be anything wrong with you. Or me. Or them. You might make a bad choice. I have. Bad choice, after bad choice, after bad choice, after fucking chaotic disaster. Those were my free choices, and they resulted in one thing. Information. There has never been anything wrong with me, and the only thing keeping us in that hamster wheel going asking the same question of ourselves is our own belief.

Damn.

Say it with me friend.
“There is nothing wrong with me.”
Say it again.

So now let’s release it. Let’s stop letting the belief of ‘there’s something wrong with me’ run our lives, guide our bad choices, our negative actions, and be the hitching post of the story we don’t really want to be in. We choose our story, and we can just as easily unhitch ourselves from the tether as we walked up to it and tied the knot to begin with. First though, we have to believe we are worth it. We have to know it, in our bones, in our soul, and in our brain. Our worth can’t be empty words we say in front of the people we think we want to impress and keep happy. If you’re not there yet, say so. Say you’re working on it, and go WORK ON IT. An incredible speaker I listen to talks about the release of the famous book The Secret; and speak on how upon the book’s release, suddenly everyone was lying on the therapists couch, manifesting the doors to open for them in life. They were devastated when their manifestations weren’t coming into being! She goes on to say however, that if we would only get up, off the couch, and turn the doorknob – what could come to life. There is nothing wrong with you. It is a limiting belief, a dirty, nasty lie told to us by magazines, family, friends, bad boyfriends, bad spouses, reality television and those people yelling at you from the European skincare kiosk in the mall. Your skin is fine love. Tell them all to suck it, and get about the business of being your best, most super charged self. I’m here to raise the bar. I want to bring the ones near me, and anyone else I can pull in, higher. Let’s talk bigger. Act bigger. DO bigger. There is nothing wrong with that, and there is nothing wrong with me…or you.

Keep Burning.
H

Free // by Rudimental (Download it on iTunes)

I don’t do yoga, never tried Pilates
Not many people want me at their parties
Tryna find my place, some place, oh I, oh I, oh I
And I drink a little more than recommended
This world ain’t exactly what my heart expected
Tryna find my way someway, oh I, oh I, oh I

See, whoa, c’est la vie
Maybe something’s wrong with me
But, whoa, at least I am free, oh, oh, I am free
Yeah, whoa, c’est la vie
Maybe something’s wrong with me
But, hey, at least I am free, oh, oh, I am free

If you ask the church then I am no believer
Spend Sundays asleep I’m just another dreamer
Still tryna find my home sweet home, oh I, oh I, oh I
And I guess I ain’t too good for money neither
I got two left feet, no, I’m no Jackson either
Just tryna find my way someway, oh I, oh I, oh I

See, whoa, c’est la vie
Maybe something’s wrong with me
But, whoa, at least I am free, oh, oh, I am free
Yeah, whoa, c’est la vie
And maybe something’s wrong with me
But, whoa, at least I am free, oh, oh, I am free

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I love to ask the hard questions. I get off on digging deep, and then taking my pointed shovel and digging deeper, pulling out the darkest, dirtiest parts of a conversation. I want to feel it in my bones, I want to know someone’s heart and feel the vibration of emotion underneath my skin. That’s the kind of talk I’m interested in. I want gazes met and burning, talk of how it felt and where it’s going and what we want this minute and ten million minutes from now. I need to hear about what hurts, about what knocked you down, the way you drowned yourself in tequila and how ashamed you have been of the things you have done, and how it felt while you were lying there bleeding out. I will tell you the same, and I will tell you how we will rise again. I want you to know how it feels to have my magic hit yours with full force, over and over again with laughter in my eyes and courage in my heart. I want to hear the need for bigger things, for great joy, and the great passion you only speak of when you are alone in your head.

Fuck the glazing over of things. I’m out of time for wasted hours and minutes, spent on words about things that don’t matter and don’t light my fire. There’s too much to do, too much to say, to waste anymore time on things that don’t build a legacy. Things that don’t speak to the kind of person I want to be. We spend so much time on running down the meaningless details of our days..the things that have no bearing on our life going forward; we spend so much time with the things that bleed us dry that there is nothing left to keep us alive. So we sit. We sit in the silence, in the living rooms, at the dinner tables, at the kitchen counters alone with a bottle of vodka and a tear streaked face with a starving, lonely heart.
We drive 20 extra miles the long way just to be able to sit in silence with ourselves, because it’s more nourishing than sitting in silence with another when our soul is screaming to communicate. To say what no one wants to say. To ask the questions we may not want answers to. To feel the weight lifted, and our chest fill with air for the first time in days..or is is years?

We stand in the living room of our life, a life we created, looking at the artwork on the walls and wonder where it came from. Would we choose the same canvases if given the chance to choose again? Why or why not? The why is not to be forgotten. The Why is so important….yet I hear over and over, ‘just because’. There is not just because. If there is no why…there is nothing but emptiness. Ask why, about the job, about the lover, about the sofa, about the roadtrip…ask it now. If it screams yes with a voice of a thousand reasons, embrace it. If you receive no answer, accept the gift and lesson with an open heart, be it wounded or angry…let it be open. Then onward, with eyes and heart focused.

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Sandy - November 19, 2015 - 9:29 pm

Amazing

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There isn’t much that needs to be said in the dusk.
Wild hands through wild hair that has been waiting, waiting.
I could lose my fingers in this mess forever.
Tracing artwork up and down your body,
there was never any doubt that you are a masterpiece.
The tug of your smile at the corner of those lips is bread
to this hungry soul.
Eyes full of adventure drink me in.
Who needs to stop for breakfast when we can stop on the side of the road
and have each other?
Hands traveling over my bare knees
while you sing me that Ray LaMontagne song that just. does. it.
Dust clouds billow around as we slide off the road
and there we are again
hands tangled in hair and legs tangled in legs and soul tangled in soul.
You lay my head on your hand and my heart in your heart quietly in the bed of your truck as we settle in to watch the sun come up
on the first day of the rest of our lives.

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If there was but one day left,
I would spend it with you.
I would take your hand and show you how to laugh again.

We would roll in the grass and eat ice cream,
we would swing until our bums came off the seats.
We would name the clouds,
and find a sprinkler to get wet in.
We could jump over the cracks,
dance in the street,
and scream at the top of our lungs into the world.

I would not waste time talking,
I would invest time listening.
I would breathe in the way you moved,
the way your eyes widened at the sky, the way your toes curled in the fresh soil.
I would memorize your breath and the color of your lips,
and sit in wonder of all of the beautiful works of art
that your mouth had yet to create.

If there was but one day left.
I would spend it with you.

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