Today is was said…..”I wish I could be more like you.”
For starters…no you don’t. You don’t want to live up here in this head. It doesn’t sleep much, craves coffee and sometimes alcohol at all the most inappropriate times, harbors plenty of self loathing that I am in a constant battle to take a baseball bat to, is a heart that hates to stand still and just wants it to be quiet and so loud that I don’t have to hear anything at all, a lover of sex and intimate real talk, of all things dark and not spoken of in proper conversation and an awkward goof of a girl that still carries the rejection of youth under her skin. You is a great place to be…and you should stay there. That said – there isn’t a more humbling, shake my ass down to Earth thing someone could say to me. Cause friends, the thing is, often I wish I could be more like you, whoever you are. In this little episode of the Fear Sessions, however, I’m going to rattle off a few items that I do just a little differently…why they terrify me, and maybe that transparency will give someone else the courage to test the waters as well.
I swagger, stroll, stride, run, and sometimes even trip….to the beat of my own drum.
I’m on no one else’s timeline in life. This is not always to my advantage, but it’s who I am, and I am coming into a really lovely peace with it. I’m not a big fan of social obligations, and ‘we should’s’. What kind of word is ‘should’ anyway? It doesn’t even roll off the tongue well. Say it 5 times. You’ll have a distaste for it as well. Should lives in the same dimly lit room as content, settle, obligation, can’t, and too-much. Sometimes I throw them some food by mistake, but I quickly slam the door and take to starving them again…because those miserable monsters deserve none of me. Does that make it easy to swagger to my own beat? No. I often watch others rolling with the flow, letting someone else call the shots and define their time, their plans, their life…and sometimes it looks….easy. Easier. Walking my own path has it’s many disadvantages. Since I don’t hold tight to obligations, sometimes I miss the mark on societal ‘good person’ things. I don’t often send thank you cards….even though I love it when I get one. I’m not good at returning phone calls, planning play dates, or long term planning anything, for that matter. I don’t always get looks of admiration for going my own way. Often, actually, I get looks of contempt. I’ve grown accustomed to it…and don’t take them personally. Each of us is swaggering through life at our own pace, in our own way, and some people just haven’t found their beat yet. It will come eventually, and in the meantime, they have nothing to do with me and my soul drumming circle. The majority can be intimidating, ruthless, and unforgiving. So can a heart full of regret for a life lived for everyone but yourself – because one day your kids are going to grow up and have their own lives, your friends are going to move away and move on, and your parents and your spouse are going to die. You’re going to be left with YOU, and the life and experiences that you chose. Think on that.
I don’t spend time wishing for things.
I just do them, because I will never be more ready than I am today.
Obviously, I wish I could fall into a cool million dollars. On the daily, however, I don’t sit around wishing for things I don’t have, can’t afford, or that are otherwise unavailable to me. If it is that important to me, I find a way to get it. If it isn’t, I let it go. People wonder how I support my lifestyle, have a couple of horses, and work for myself…and to this I’ll offer a very straight answer. I make it happen, because it’s important to me. I may have to work until I die, because I don’t have an extra dime to put into a retirement account each month. I also might die tomorrow…and I’ll die racing the wind and flying through this life with my heart and soul aflame. I’ll go down whooping and hollering and singing at the top of my lungs and feeling, FEELING until my heart bursts wide open, and then I will bleed passion and wildness and be born again. I may never retire, but I will never stop living the life I have dreamed to save for a day I may never even see. There are times I am rattled to the core when a friend mentions having 100k in their IRA….when I think, ‘I’m going to be poor and homeless when I’m 70′. For a moment, I consider throwing everything I have built away. I consider getting a job with good benefits, with a 401k, and setting myself up for the future. Then, I laugh…because fortune favors the bold, and I am nothing if not bold in my pursuits. Wishing is a waste of time. If you want something, find a way to get it. If you want to be wealthier, think bigger and work harder. If you want to be healthier, make better choices, for your body is the most important instrument you will ever own. If you want to receive more love, give more love. Live abundantly. Spend less time wishing….more time doing.
I am not afraid to walk away.
From a job, from a place, from a person, from a conversation…or from that word ‘should’.
So often, we feel like if we walk away, we are failing. “What will they say?” There it is again…the ‘they’. The opinion of ‘they’ invokes more fear, hesitation, and misery than almost anything I can name. I walked away from someone in my life once, someone near and dear to me; one of my very best friends. I walked away because they were not valuing me, and through their choices were essentially treating me like a piece of garbage in order to make their life easier. As if it wasn’t painful and miserable enough missing this person in my life, I had to answer to the ‘they’. ‘What happened? What did you say? What are you doing now? What will you do next?’ Now; I know full well that this person loves me the best way they know how, and in their mind, wants the best for me. Unfortunately, sometimes life gets the best of us. We are put into tough situations and forced to make hard choices, and someone gets hurt. This time, I was the party getting the shit end of the stick, and I was broken about it. So I had to leave, and not just leave a little bit. I had to detatch, cut off, and lose the limb for a while. I stopped speaking to mutual friends temporarily, some permanently, and even found myself putting my closest friends at double arm’s distance, because some of them were trying to walk a fine line in maintaining relationships with both parties…and I couldn’t…still can’t…have it in my life. All is not fair in love and war. Nothing is fair, and it doesn’t matter who, or what the love involves…you have to value yourself enough to walk away when the object of your love and effort is no longer valuing you. If there is something in your life that is not serving you, be it a job, a relationship, or a pair of jeans….get rid of it. If it’s a good job, you’ll get another one like it someday. If it’s a good relationship, it wouldn’t be treating you like garbage, and you need to stop lying to yourself. If it’s a good pair of jeans…the GAP is never going out of business. Invest in people, experiences, and things that FIT YOU. I will never look good in high waisted anything, nor will a person who can’t be honest with themselves look good with me. Hold onto what feeds your soul. Leave the rest.
I am not afraid to enjoy my life, and admit it.
Heard of it? I have been the world’s biggest one. Throwing myself straight into the trash can for everyone around me…and sitting and womp womp womping about it.
And then, I stopped.
I love my work. LOVE MY WORK. Everyday. I love my life. I love my family. I love that I don’t have to wake up at 5am and make a 2 hour commute anymore, that most days I get to wear jeans and boots and other days I get to dress up however my heart desires; that I can work from any coffee shop in the world and that I see my horses EVERY single day. I love that I only have one child, and that I can give all of my time and attention to him. I love that I’m married to a man that knows better than to ever believe that I’ll have dinner on the table at 5, or 6, or ever. I love that I drive a pick up truck instead of a sedan and that I show up to school pick up in clothes often covered in mud and sweat. We are constantly bombarded with ideas of servitude in life, and that if we’re enjoying ourselves too much, we must be living ‘frivolously’, and that frivolity in joy is something to be frowned upon. Down goes my bullshit flag. I know there are a good handful of people that think to themselves ‘hmf, she had that one coming’, anytime something less than wonderful happens to me. Here’s the kicker – they’re right.
I did have it coming – because this life is a polarity, and for every high, you will receive an equal low. For every success, you will have a failure. If you never try for anything, you can never succeed, you will never fail miserably, and you will ride the flat line of life for the long haul. I would rather die. This life is only happening one time folks. Today never happens again. Never, ever, ever. I’m not saying you need to drop your life and run off and be all Dances with Wolves or anything, but do SOMETHING today that’s worth your while. That’s just for you…that you would be proud to tell your great great grandchildren you took the time to do…for yourself.
This one’s for the ladies.
I don’t need a man.
Yep. Said it. Meant it. Don’t need one. For anything.
I can change my own lightbulbs, mow my own lawn, hook up my own trailer and build my own fire. I can frame a house if I need to, and if I get stuck, check it out….www.youtube.com. There is NOTHING that you can’t conquer with YouTube in your corner.
Men are so wonderful. I’m married to one, they’re some of my best friends, and I’m raising one. I don’t need one to validate my existence or do my heavy lifting though…and I certainly don’t sit around in my life waiting on one to be my missing puzzle piece. I did that once. Tossed things away for a man, thinking he was the missing link. That he would love me, and all of my fears would disappear, I would be whole and fulfilled, and never want for anything again…because he said he would always choose me; and he did. Until the day he woke up and chose someone else. In the blink of an eye.
Just like that. Coming full circle…I was left with my experiences, and the life I was choosing and building for MYSELF.
My lady tribe sisters, don’t wait your life away on a man…or a woman, or a Nordstrom’s sale. None of them is going to fill the space in your soul. They only person we’re guaranteed to spend forever with is ourselves. Buy yourself the damn flowers and chocolate…then you’ll actually get the kind you like. See the movie by yourself, or go with your friends. Take the vacation, buy the horse, buy the house, have the baby, take the chance. The partner for you will just make it more fun, even more adventurous, and share your love for your own soul swagger…and this person will be happy and thankful that you’re the kind of self loving, DIY in life goddess that isn’t sitting at home tapping your fingers waiting for him to facilitate your next move.
All of this perceived self assurance; yet I am still gripped everyday with the fear that I will one day wake up and realize that I have not realized my own life at all. So I will keep pushing the limits everyday, because I am worth it, and it’s the only way I know. I’m always happy to have you join me.